It's a Monday, and I'm sitting here at work not quite sure what to do other than procrastinate. I have a presentation coming up on Friday which includes presenting on over 50 pages of material (from the lovely and most fascinating book titled Essentials of Writing Biomedical Research Papers) on paragraph structure and writing introductions - hot, I know - as well as a 5 minute oral report due tomorrow on the project's progress. Well, at least I have things to do. Deviating from the world of academic and medical research, however, I am currently watching my fellow coworkers in the way a researcher would watch the interaction of an unknown species. Rather than the busy beings I am accustomed to in the United States, both at Johns Hopkins and at my current job, I am watching people at work chat on MSN messenger, read the news online, watch movies, sleep, and hit each other with rolled up papers. One of my fellow Americans seems to have transformed into a foreign creature, laughing hysterically as he teaches his coworkers how to say "eat shit" and "fuck" in English. What a lovely representation of American culture. And so it follows, that while I am also a culprit of doing things not related to work...I am struck with a sense of how oddly relaxed the working life is here in Taiwan. Relaxed with scattered periods of actual work, unlike in the States, stressed with scattered periods of cigarette breaks. I'm not sure I like this atmosphere; it feels too much like summer or vacation and less like productivity.

I really wanted this summer to be productive, but quite honestly, I think I am utterly failing due largely to my own disinterest in the environment. It is quite odd, as this is usually not my personality. More often than I generally like to be involved, have a schedule full to the brim, and remain laid back in that I rarely find drastic faults with those around me. I like to go out and explore, party, and things of such a nature...and usually this is not a problem. It's not like I don't have people to hang out with at work or outside of work right now; crazily, I have made a few friends. But god knows how many times I've passed up the opportunity to "hang out" just to go back to my room and watch movies on my laptop. Perhaps I can't say I'm too surprised, as I am infamous for literally dropping off the map during the summer. Most of my friends are used to my famous disappearing act once vacation swings around and they generally accept that I become a solitary being. Nonetheless, I am struck with a general sense of internal conflict that appeared at the end of second semester, probably resultant of a singular event, and I have to say...it's goddamn annoying. I feel like it's boiled back down to the high school angstiness of "who the hell am I?" I suppose that since this is technically a "journal" I am allowed to complain about how confused I am, how insecure of my appearance I am, boys and so on so forth, but even I have to say, I am a little tired of it all. And so I will talk about some of the interesting occurences of this summer program.

Orientation 6/24-6/28. It was all right. Everything was beautiful in terms of scenery, and I am glad I ended up in the tour group that I did. As most of the tour was a repetition of what I had walked through two summers ago (with the exception of the industrial park and glass factory), I will admit to being a little bored and sadly reminiscent - visiting such places brought back a lot of very bittersweet and painful memories. I felt, well, bad in that I was kind of quiet towards my group, but at the time, I was just trying so hard to repress some internal thoughts. Pictures can probably say more than I can about the whole tour experience.

Work 6/29-present. Work is essentially documented above, but this past weekend was very pleasant. I went with some fellow floormates (1 from the Carribbean, 1 from Peru, 2 from San Diego) to the sugar refinery here in Kaohsiung and then to central park to eat lunch. While the sugar refinery was beautiful - it was an old run down factory with untended sugarcane fields, and it was self-tour, which I absolutely adore - the group I was with was perhaps more intriguing. We spent all this time talking about racism here in Taiwan, as the girl from the Carribbean is black, as well as how ignorant the Taiwanese people are...I was a bit uncomfortable with all of this, probably because I was the most Taiwanese person in the group. As the Carribbean girl said, people stare at her, want to take pictures of her,  and ask her rude questions, including things such as "Do you cut your hair with fire and a knife," and while that is a bit extreme and inappropriate, I have to ask...is it THAT odd that people stare? I've been stared at before once people discover I am a foreigner, but I don't think its because of an ethnocentric thing, more a curiosity, as demonstrated by the desire to take pictures. I mean, you're black and in Taiwan, it's a rare occurence. Yes, there are rude people, but I don't think Taiwanese people are rude as a race and it's wrong to classify them as such; from my experience, we are pretty nice and welcoming people. Of course, it must be hard for her to be here because of her race, but what can you expect? What bothered me the most, though, was that after talking about how "racist people in Taiwan were" the group proceeded to diss out Taiwanese people and laugh at all their stereotypes, which I found to be hypocritical. I tried to play devils' advocate, but some people are just so set in their ways. After the sugar refinery, we went to a Mexican restaurant, another decision which I though was ridiculous - I'm in Taiwan, why the hell am I spending a buttload of money to eat Mexican food in Taiwan? I'd rather eat Taiwanese food - and then we headed back to the dorms. Overall, I found the trip to be enjoyable and riding the MRT quite fun, but as time as passed, I've become more and more disturbed by the race issue. That very night, I met up with my Taiwanese coworkers and went to the night market (using the MRT again), and I had a great time just buying food, just talking and learning about their lives. It was nice.

There was a maggot in my lychee! I am so utterly disgusted right now.

Going nerd and starving is not
beautiful Look now I'm being
off You're bugging me crazy busy
baby am busy today any swell day
You're big you feel so very big
swelling stop starving me.

                                                    -kdotchuang

First, a little literary commemoration to the closing of my Stephen obsession (I wrote this awhile ago). I truly know now, although it was a meandering path, that I just want to be friends with the man:

It’s a bit poignant, that forever from now, that from this very point on, the thought of pie will always be accompanied by that man. Not a particularly physically drawing man, with his rectangular and heavy rimmed glasses with lenses that seem thick even though they’re not, the misplaced goatee or the exceedingly lean figure. It is not the receding hairline, the tone of the soft mellifluous voice that never managed to thrive in the singing line; it is neither the shrill laugh nor his inability to drink coffee that pulls one towards him. One would think that these would be repulsive features to the feminine intuition, this lack of brutish masculinity. Oh, but in a world such as ours, what is this masculinity anything but arrogant stupidity and greed. I suppose, softening the blow of these observations would be to notice that the beauty of his forearms makes up for these lacking masculine features, or perhaps the manner in which he conducts his nods is enough to catch the female eye. And it is in this quiet manner that one finds solitude, this saving grace that puts his physical presence on the charts again. I imagine if he knew me well enough, or cared to know me in the manner I wish him to, I would let him read this, and I would let him ponder his own personality, let him hate me, but at least at that point I would know that here is a man who feels more for me than just the tidings of friendship. Life is never so convenient, I have found, to waste its time satisfying my imagination, and thereby let one continue. But yes, poignant indeed and oddly appropriate, that this man, this man of my life, will always somehow be associated with the thought of pie. Pie, to be more specific, for it is in the warmth and sweeter goodness of the pie that he will lay his spirit to my thoughts. Oh, really, it’s quite too bad of a thing. He’s already gone, taken by someone else, for pies are never too fussy as to who will eat them.  

Second, closing to the of the Johannes (should have done this awhile ago)

Goodbye, chicken legs!

Yep. And third, closing to that of the tea man, from whom I managed to drag out the name Ian Anderson (named after the lead singer of Jethro Tull. A dude playing progressive metal with a flute...sounds a bit inappropriate to me...). In clarification, I went back to the tea store last weekend, or to Towson to get dinner and buy a gift for my research professor, and "ran into" both Earl Gray and Ian Anderson. I spent 28 dollars on chocolate and received free bunny ears from Lindt...because we all want to be rabbits, clearly. But I digress. It was odd - he kept trying to juggle things in the store, but failed miserably. It was like watching an animal try to...do something but failing, a cat that tries to impress you by bringing you a dead rat? Not any clearer, but I just didn't know the logic behind his actions. Why did he try to juggle things? He kept dropping them! I don't get it! Why'd he keep trying? This is male behavior I cannot comprehend. But right, closing to the tea man.

As there are only 3 terrible weeks left in the semester (well, technically 5), and as I will not be in Believing Baltimore this summer, and as I think his tea shop overcharges for tea, and as he is a complete stranger, and as our conversations seem a bit awkward...well, I don't think its worth it, despite his attractiveness. It was worth it, although creepy, for me to attempt to facebook friend him and to tell him I thought he was cute. Yes, yes, dear friends. I was bold, and creepy. Probably too bold (as he has not friended me back), but if he does not respond eventually, then oh well. I'm really not creepy a person, and if he's not willing to step beyond the inital creepiness to get to know me, then too bad for both of us.

Now I have closed these doors and feel pretty good about doing it, I'm going to mention positivities. On a good note, this weekend was eventful. During the Towson trip, we spontaneously decided to go watch a movie, and decided upon Knowing with Nicholas Cage. It was freaking fantastic, in a very Christian apocalypse way. We thought it was a mystery, and then when the movie started it seemed to be a horror movie (Which is bad. I abhor watching horror movies in theaters), but then it was comedic. Then there were stalkerish aliens (or were they angels?) who shot light out of their mouths, and screamy annoying women who get theirs in the end. And yes, when I say apocalypse and Christianity, I mean yes, the movie went there. It wasn't even subtle - it was in your face "convert to Christianity and believe in God, bitch, or we kill you all!" Most "what the fuck" movie I've seen in a long time, and it was fantastically enjoyable.  Ah, spontaneity.

On Sunday, I went to the zoo for a few hours. Yes, I am a child. Or more so a parent, as I went with my roommate and ended up snapping pictures of her quite a bit. I stood with a crowd of parents, and as they photographed their children sliding down slides and fitting into turtle shells and jumping on rope bridges, I photographed my roommate doing the same exact thing with the children. Hi-larious. Elephants and rhinos smell bad - just a note that everyone should know. It is for this olfactory reason that they do not fall into my "cool animals I want to hang out with" group.

And then we hit Monday - shittiest day ever because of work. Besides the head nodding in class (as you try to stay awake but your brain just cares absolutely nothing about what you want), I had zilch amount of time to do anything BUT hospital work crap...let's just say I'm probably quitting my job next semester and finding another one; this one is too stressful and I'm tired of having worry about my emotions riding out of control at work. We're approaching a deadline which came up WAY too quickly, and he was like "I don't have time to do this. I don't what to do?" How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? If you don't know what to do, I sure as hell don't know what to do, boss. It's like he is constantly guilt tripping me. Work is supposed to be emotionless when you're getting paid so little - it's stress that is absolutely unnecessary in my life. So, pshaw to you "current job". I'm just going to eat my grapefruit and stick a particular finger up in your direction for you to see. You will soon be replaced.

Pleasant interaction with my English professor today, though. I may have a shitty grade in English, but at least I can still make men laugh wiht my sarcastic jokes.


                                                                                                                              - kdotchuang - when it rains, it pours, and it's always raining.

I miss his smile. Platonically.

Although the statement under the title of this journal indicates that I write when I am hungry, I suppose I should correct the statement to include two other scenarios besides food, as it is wrong to discriminate in this world apparently, and to say that I also write when I have pounding headaches that make me feel nauseated, and when I am filled with the desire of procrastinate. Right...you know that essay I was supposed to get done last week, the one I mentioned in an earlier post...well....it's not done, and I'm not really getting anywhere. Week back from spring break is going to be terrible, especially since it's going to be tech week for the Witness showcase this weekend. Right before my second organic chemistry midterm, and during my major organic chemistry laboratory exam and official lab report. Not to mention the German oral exam this Friday along with the three essays and work poster, and meetings....I think I should stop now before I become too whiny. News is that I got rejected from the German internship program I applied to (insert sad face), which is not too much of a surprise since my GPA has disappeared into the abyss of the "lost socks in laundry" hole. Where do those damn socks go? I mean really, I have so many unpaired socks lying around, it's infuriating.

As this is perhaps chalking up to the most unproductive and unsuccessful spring break of my life in terms of work, I suppose I should attempt to reconcile any losses with productivity of the mind! Yes! I have been thinking over break....about things...between the hour long spans of mindless television (mostly Family Guy) and movie viewings....all right. I was wrong. So not to productive in the thinking realm either. Even more tragic is the fact that I don't think I've stepped outside of my house for a week, besides the brief visit to Red Lobster for a family dinner. Yes, I stepped outside of my house, the only time in an entire week, for a butter engorged feast of pitifully captured and soon to be endangered Maine lobster and puny shrimp. Sad. Haven't even been sleeping well after that feast...

Oh, here's an interesting occurrence I've been meaning to document for some time now. Right before break, we had a major German essay due. Although I don't consider myself that great of a procrastinator, I happened to be on facebook at the time and I noticed that Johannes was also on Facebook. As I had a bunch of grammatical questions to ask, I thought, "Why the hell not?" and I decided to message Johannes...on Facebook. Oh my dear readers, let me now present to you a prime example of decisions that lead to things backfiring in my face. I first approached him with an apology about being unorthodox, which he accepted graciously, and then I asked him a general german translational question. He translated it, and I said, "Oh, thanks. That was a lot easier than what I was thinking of." He then asked me what I had been thinking of, and I gave a vague..."Oh, just something more complicated, like something with a verb." He then asks me to give a specific example, to which I panicked because I didn't have anything prepared, and thus gave a rather dumb example. He answered, andI laughingly, although I don't really know how one laughs on facebook chat,  "Well, when you put it like that, it sounds so easy." And he responds with "Well, that's language learning, my dear." Wonderful, fanfuckingtastic - I'm getting sarcasm from my teacher. There was pause in the conversation.  So I asked him what he was doing over break, and then he said he was going to NY. Another pause. Whatever. 

And then he asks me, "Are you all right?" And I'm wondering what he means, until he says, "You seem kind of out of it in class." Damn. Great, my teacher is asking me why I've been zoning out in class. I apologize profusely and say I didn't mean to seem "out of it" and he mentions that I look really tired. "Too much work?" he asks. Greaat...the person I was once interested in finally gives me an idea of what he thinks I look like...and it's tired and unable to handle courseload. I say I'm fine, and apologize again. He THEN says, "After break, maybe we can meet and talk." And stupidly, being the dolt I usually am, respond with"...why?" 1) I didn't think that I was doing THAT badly in class, and 2) I couldn't really think of a reason to meet; even though my german speaking is not so great these days, I don't like the guy. Lots of motivation gone. Following his question, for some apparent reason, I thought, does he want to meet to talk about...feelings? And of course, that old nagging voice that disappeared a few months back returns and says to me..."maybe he's interested in you?" As one can see, my logic during conversations is contradictory to itself, first he says I looked tired, and I jump to "he likes me?". I find this pitiably sad.
 

So right, I responded with a "why?" but not just any why, but a "...why?" Yes, dear readers, those preceding three dots means a lot; I think it implies either a complete lack of understanding, or disbelief, or sarcasm. Take your pick. He responds, "To talk about german things?" And I'm like...."oh! all right." And, I swear to you readers, the fastest exit I have ever seen, he says, "I have to go now. Bye." And he's out.

What do I (or perhaps I should say you) have to say to that? I don't know, but I think he thinks I'm weird. Oh well?

Optimism, Kelly, optimism....uh, no. Not finding any right now. So, I'm going to end this post with a "Bah, humbug!" and try to finish this Joyce essay. Oh, I do want to note, however, that my English teacher is a genius, and not only an attractive genius, but an accomplished genius as well:http://media.www.jhunewsletter.com/media/storage/paper932/news/2009/03/12/NewsFeatures/Things.Ive.Learned.With.Leonardo.Lisi.Lecturer.And.Ibsen.Scholar-3671315.shtml. I am glad he is my teacher.

Hope is such an insect in all respects, difficult to kill in the sense that it is a quick scampering little thing, but also, if one is allowed to apply several interpretations, far too easy to flatten with a sudden step of the foot or a twitch of the wrist directing yesterday’s rolled up newspaper. One would imagine its miniscule size and lowly assignment in the evolutionary food chain to reflect, perhaps, a lack of influence in our lives, but no, no, no, quite on the contrary. Insects are always there, have been and always will be, just like hope– both are hardy creatures, always appearing in our living quarters and feeding off the life we own; it is in their avoidance of being victims of murders, their ability to scuttle and emulate cowardliness that they manage to perpetuate themselves. And this is thus our hope.

-kdotchuang

 My family has just signed up for wireless, so I am now able to access and navigate the internet at a reasonable pace away from the Johns Hopkins University.

First off, I'd like to apologize to those whom I have not seen in a while - you know who you are, people. And while the only excuse I have to offer is that I've been busy with schoolwork (lame, I know), such an excuse is true. Majority of my days (except the 3 I spent in my room) have been spent on M level in the library, where I attempt to crank out essays with proper English structure and study for Organic Chemistry (which I effed up quite badly).  So right, I apologize, and demand that we hang out during second semester at a more regular rate, damn it.

So the semester has ended and grades are rolling in....what do I have to say about grades, hm....life moves on, I suppose. I just find it awfully frustrating to have such a bad track record, and no matter how much I try to convince my teachers that I am a relatively intelligent person (or at least I think I am), my transcript just does not reflect it. Not only did signing up for this English major mess up, well, my life, my Science life has gone down the drain as a result.  I mean, really, Organic Chemistry, could you ruin my life anymore than you already have? I never was good at playing games. It's just that I find myself falling into these pits of despair (dramatic, I know, but I don't know how else to define them), generally about my personal character, and being unable to drag myself out for long periods of time. I'm afraid to let myself laugh, because whenever I laugh or feel vaguely contented with my life, something goes terribly terribly wrong at least an hour after that very laugh. It is as though we must live in a constant state of fear and mediocrity, and it makes methink about feeling so EMO (=gross). Absolutely unacceptable. Don't get me wrong; living in a state of bland feelings is all well and good, and I do agree with it as my life goal is the attempt to annihilate all emotion, but recently, I find myself unable to control emotions. It's a bad sign when I can't - usually I'm good at tamping them down, but they're slowly spilling over and out of the box in which I chained them.

Fall Semester 2008 has also shown me something else. I can't write shit. Not structurally well, and certainly not creatively. And now, I have absolutely no strengths, and have ultimately hit the lowest rungs of mediocrity, or god forbid, worse. I'm terrible at writing. And I'm so far into the English major, what do I do now? Oh dear, what happened to the creative genius that once implanted itself into our minds? 

I hope everything is going well for those of you out there who are reading this. Congratulations, you are now second semester seniors, and almost done with this type of hell! I think a big celebration is in order soon.

                                                                                                                                                                                        -- kdotchuang

I apologize. I have an urge to listen to pop music. This will be reflected in my last.fm.

You know those days, where you just lose it, absolutely lose it in one loud and final mind crack, and then realize that you can't go back - - - well, I've reached such a day. I was wondering when another one would turn up, and lo and behold, here it is. Right now, I'm going to say that this one is here to stay, but then again, I usually say that, so I'm not going to put any faith in what I say. We'll see in a few days how this experiment is progressing. And you may ask, to which experiment do you refer, Kelly? What odd little peculiarity as rooted itself in your brain? It's an old uprising, meine Leute. All I can say is that if I manage to proceed and sustain this experiment correctly, you should see the results in a few weeks. Wish me luck, though I think you probably would not if you knew what I was going to do.

                                                                                                                                                                                      -kdotchuang